What is the first thing that comes to your mind when you hear people say to you, "Marriages are made in heaven"?.
The first thing that comes to my mind is, married life should be a paradise because its made in heaven then, why many go through hell in their married life that eventually breaks or lies meaningless. How ironic to have hell in a life destined from heaven?.
I come from the land of culture and heritage, "India". In India, marriage most often happens to be arranged by family groups. It a culture where people live in family group having grandfather and great grandfather generations living under one roof or even while living physically away from each other follow a lifestyle wherein, decisions are taken or influenced by the elders in the group. Until today, most marriages are a match-making process taken up by elders in the family. This match-making is more driven by matching persons 'horoscope' (horoscope means, an astrological definition of a person and his/her fortune readings) and family status. Actually, in these conventional weddings the famous quote 'love at first sight' has its real test as two individuals are told that they are destined to each other and they force their mindset to believe it.
In this blog, I would like to talk about these conventional weddings and the made in heaven testimony.
Let me start with the positive side of these conventional weddings. It is not so much of a bad idea, after all since the traditional system of the family requires co-existence within the family group and the community. And, conventional weddings are better since they have acceptance from the family group to become involved with another family group. Meaning, there is one less hurdle over adjusting/ adapting to a change that marriage will bring to one's life. The new person coming into the family will have one less hurdle in winning trust as there is a general acceptance mentality coming from people they need to live with. In this conventional way of doing things, the family tries to support a lot through difficult times. Especially when people stay in the marriage institution simply because they fear stepping out of it, they get compassion and emotional support from the family group. In a way, this is one of the reasons why divorce rates are less on a comparative scale in countries like India.
What is marriage? In my view, marriage is a relationship wherein you get emotional, physical, and/or financial support as a human being that the law of nature has bestowed. Law of Nature gives this matrimonial relationship to a human being as a need for life to evolve. And like beautiful nature, this relationship can also be beautiful only by unconditional mutual love for the partner. This is the only way to bring balance and make it work wonders in your life. If you believe life is a quest, then you must understand that mutual unconditional love can do wonders and bring the best in you and others.
Failing marriages happen since people have a processed mindset about marriage, which is limited to making family and living in a family culture to fit into society. They forget that the level of intimacy and understanding between life partners is one critical aspect and at the same time the life allowing the time and space for each other as a matter of a give and take respecting each other's privacy is equally important. This is when we can say, made-for-each other relationships.
The importance of the relationship is not felt in the real sense of marriage by most individuals, more particularly in conventional weddings. The mindset of most individuals in traditional weddings is that, marriage is a process of making a family and keeping it together and once they have children then to execute the responsibility of growing them playing along with the society they belong to. So here are some challenges to keep in mind if you are getting into a conventional wedding.
Firstly, you are introduced to a person you do not know much, and you need to accept the person for who he/she is and love that person truly from the bottom of your heart. For this, most often, you have a few months between your engagement and wedding to know the person who has been introduced to be your future life partner.
So, the typical challenges in making the right decision to a marriage proposal are around, 'Knowledge' and 'Time' and then to cultivate the natural feeling of love which cannot be forced. In terms of knowledge, there is an added challenge. The behavior of the individual will be biased since he/she forces their best when this special relationship is forthcoming. This would mean, the natural behavior of both parties cannot be known. Despite the challenges, many individuals still opt or are made to opt for conventional weddings.
So if you are caught in this phase of opting into a conventional wedding, decide whether you are ready for it. If you are then, spend a lot of time talking to your match if that is what he/she also wants. Take it slow to make it right well acknowledging the challenges that come with it. Make the best use of time until your wedding to decide your life. Be open and be bold to take the right decision for your life. This is not going to be easy since a lot of this is going to be driven by,
- what people around you say. Families and friends are all going to say all the nice things only as they do not want to be the ones spoiling the show, even if there is anything negative to share. You need to read the cues keeping your mind open and balanced.
- you may also need to do some sense checks amid the biased behavior listening to your inner feeling.
The first step to getting it right is to see how he/she behaves with all the people around them and not only you. Do look for opportunities for crisis or tough situations. For example, you went on a drive, and the car broke down. The spontaneous reaction and natural behavior will come out as the first set of responses. These are your chances to assess how he/she reacts to crisis and/or criticism, which tells a lot about the individual. Be conscious to make an honest opinion without getting influenced.
Next, gauge if the thoughts are alike and opinions are relatively similar. Discuss and see how the responses are in terms of respecting your opinion and plans about life. If you have certain expectations about life and you have already made some decisions in your mind in terms of family, kids, financials etc., be honest about it. It is better to get it right than get into something and suffer later. Be aware that suffering impacts the family group and not you alone.
Remember it is a life of partnership and both parties must acknowledge being reasonable in expectations giving room for compromises while accepting certain decisions as part of the give and take in the relationship. See if that mutual understanding is there. Do not be busy building your romantic relationship during this time. Whether the person is the right match for life in terms of understanding is more, and you have all the rest of your life for the romance to build up. Keep in mind, it is not an overnight thing. The natural sense of belonging gets built over time when the other person makes you feel that way.
Now, once you decide to get committed into the relationship, always remember that it is this relationship that is going to come with you until the end of your life. So, make an effort to make it work since others, including your kids will eventually move-on and it is this life partner of yours who is going to be with you through your old age. He/she is going to share your burdens and your joy.
Once in the relationship, to make this partner your source of joy or stress is up to you. If you will treat him/her to offload your stressful day assuming that the role is meant for that, sorry, you are wrong. All the elements/people that caused your stress are not the ones who are going to travel the long journey of life. It is your life partner who will be doing that provided you make the travel easy. If you will offload your rough day showing anger and frustration at him/her, you will have the reflection of it coming back to you at the same time or the accumulation of it coming back at hitting at you at some time. Agreed, that one can argue home is the only place that he/she can be original and can offload their stress. As a life partner, the expectation is to have an understanding of the same and not become another source of stress. Yes, it is a fair expectation, and you do have to have your moments of offloading, but, keep in mind that your partner may also be in the same state of mind. The outcome would be, either you made your partner cry, or you both had an exchange of argument. Also, what did you do after your offload moments are over? Here the critical question is, did you hold on to this offload moments for too long or you made an effort to make up for the happenings. Did you also add a touch of romance to make the person feel special. Basically you can say you love your husband/wife so deeply, but what is important is whether your spouse felt loved. Saying or you believing does not mean that your partner is feeling the same about you. Do often ask your partner how to improve the relationship and make a conscious effort. Do not have ego nor any reservations.Try to overcome both and develop understanding and intimacy.
Now how to gauge and nurture valuable relationship?
The mind is the most complex part of we human since it manages our thoughts. Have you ever felt or thought of things that you do not want to say aloud because you feel disturbed/ angered/dumb/ ashamed. Are there thoughts that you even refrain your mind from thinking, simply because it causes so much discomfort. Has it occurred that, when others raise a subject, or something reminds you of it, your emotions flood to you in terms of sadness or anger and frustrates you? Will you be comfortable sharing such an experience of yours without apprehensions to your life partner? Can you open up your heart and pour it out? If your answers are yes, then its a cherished relationship working at its best.
You are blessed to have your mirror image in that other person and never let go of this relationship for your lifetime. Value it and give time and effort to nurture it because you will eventually get old and will have so much more time at your disposal. You need your fully understanding life partner more and more as you reach that zone.
I conclude by saying, conventional weddings can also work, and marriages are made in heaven if you make it paradise. Have a happy life by cherishing your relationship since you live this life once and every past moment is just a memory and it is upto you to make it pleasant for yourself and the ones around you.
