Theory of Inclusiveness contradicts Survival Instinct

In this blog, I wanted to put  my thought around the Theory of Inclusiveness. The topic caught my mind while following the turnout of events with the recent amendment to the Indian Citizenship Act 1955, which has picked up controversies resulting in unrest across many parts of India. So what did the amendment do?. It said minority groups defined by religions other than Islam from the neighboring countries, namely Pakistan, Bangladesh, and Afghanistan, would be allowed citizenship in India. Now, this is striking caste-based discrimination, and politicians are on a roll, and public unrest is unsettling. Let us take a step back to Indian history and the 1947 independence. 'Bharat' the unified India and Pakistan separated into two countries with this very premise of Islamic community having its own country. It did cause riot then, and it is the history repeating itself again and again and again when religious discrimination keep taking a center stage.

I am not going to discuss or give an opinion about the amendment; instead, I am just trying to understand why there is often such controversial decisions made. In my view, it is an outcome of thoughts linked to the human survival instinct with its fundamental shortcoming of fear. A group of individuals forms a government, and in every individual, the basic survival instinct is hard-wired since stone age. A sign of power is one of the ways human beings combat fear, as with fear comes protectionism.

What an irony that on one end there is a theory of inclusiveness preached starting from religious and countries co-existence and co-existence with nature, and on the other end there is protectionism taking many forms be it the current controversies in India, Brexit, Mexican wall, Arab springs or climate change agend.

Let us take the classic example of climate change. The agenda that all government vow to is to combat it, and the nature is telling us in its own way, and yet every individual or government has not entirely committed themselves to it. I would say the reason why the commitment is lacking is the fear of self-oriented survival which drives protectionism. Nature is taking its revenge, which is a reality of today starting from Amazon forest fires, melting of Arctic ice, and extinction of sea-life and wild-life challenging the very ecosystem. The countries are busy fighting many wars of protectionism, while the war against nature is the war of the world.

I believe that the theory of inclusiveness contradicts survival instincts; it is the law of nature. But, by kicking our survival instinct for the benefit of our self, and contributing our efforts to combat climate change and expanding our community across religion we lead the way for everyone to think alike and eventually the theory of inclusiveness will stand to win. We stand to win having a better world.

Conventional Weddings - Are marriages made in Heaven?

I was viewing a short video covering this topic, "Marriages are made in heaven", and it inspired me to write this blog.
What is the first thing that comes to your mind when you hear people say to you, "Marriages are made in heaven"?.

The first thing that comes to my mind is, married life should be a paradise because its made in heaven then, why many go through hell in their married life that eventually breaks or lies meaningless. How ironic to have hell in a life destined from heaven?.

I come from the land of culture and heritage, "India". In India, marriage most often happens to be arranged by family groups. It a culture where people live in family group having grandfather and great grandfather generations living under one roof or even while living physically away from each other follow a lifestyle wherein, decisions are taken or influenced by the elders in the group. Until today, most marriages are a match-making process taken up by elders in the family. This match-making is more driven by matching persons 'horoscope' (horoscope means, an astrological definition of a person and his/her fortune readings) and family status. Actually, in these conventional weddings the famous quote 'love at first sight' has its real test as two individuals are told that they are destined to each other and they force their mindset to believe it.

In this blog, I would like to talk about these conventional weddings and the made in heaven testimony.

Let me start with the positive side of these conventional weddings. It is not so much of a bad idea, after all since the traditional system of the family requires co-existence within the family group and the community. And, conventional weddings are better since they have acceptance from the family group to become involved with another family group. Meaning, there is one less hurdle over adjusting/ adapting to a change that marriage will bring to one's life. The new person coming into the family will have one less hurdle in winning trust as there is a general acceptance mentality coming from people they need to live with.  In this conventional way of doing things, the family tries to support a lot through difficult times. Especially when people stay in the marriage institution simply because they fear stepping out of it, they get compassion and emotional support from the family group. In a way, this is one of the reasons why divorce rates are less on a comparative scale in countries like India.

What is marriage? In my view, marriage is a relationship wherein you get emotional, physical, and/or financial support as a human being that the law of nature has bestowed. Law of Nature gives this matrimonial relationship to a human being as a need for life to evolve. And like beautiful nature, this relationship can also be beautiful only by unconditional mutual love for the partner. This is the only way to bring balance and make it work wonders in your life. If you believe life is a quest, then you must understand that mutual unconditional love can do wonders and bring the best in you and others.

Failing marriages happen since people have a processed mindset about marriage, which is limited to making family and living in a family culture to fit into society. They forget that the level of intimacy and understanding between life partners is one critical aspect and at the same time the life allowing the time and space for each other as a  matter of a give and take respecting each other's privacy is equally important. This is when we can say, made-for-each other relationships.

The importance of the relationship is not felt in the real sense of marriage by most individuals, more particularly in conventional weddings. The mindset of most individuals in traditional weddings is that, marriage is a process of making a family and keeping it together and once they have children then to execute the responsibility of growing them playing along with the society they belong to. So here are some challenges to keep in mind if you are getting into a conventional wedding.

Firstly, you are introduced to a person you do not know much, and you need to accept the person for who he/she is and love that person truly from the bottom of your heart. For this, most often, you have a few months between your engagement and wedding to know the person who has been introduced to be your future life partner.

So, the typical challenges in making the right decision to a marriage proposal are around, 'Knowledge' and 'Time' and then to cultivate the natural feeling of love which cannot be forced. In terms of knowledge, there is an added challenge. The behavior of the individual will be biased since he/she forces their best when this special relationship is forthcoming. This would mean, the natural behavior of both parties cannot be known. Despite the challenges, many individuals still opt or are made to opt for conventional weddings.

So if you are caught in this phase of opting into a conventional wedding, decide whether you are ready for it. If you are then, spend a lot of time talking to your match if that is what he/she also wants. Take it slow to make it right well acknowledging the challenges that come with it. Make the best use of time until your wedding to decide your life. Be open and be bold to take the right decision for your life. This is not going to be easy since a lot of this is going to be driven by,

• what people around you say. Families and friends are all going to say all the nice things only as they do not want to be the ones spoiling the show, even if there is anything negative to share. You need to read the cues keeping your mind open and balanced.

• you may also need to do some sense checks amid the biased behavior listening to your inner feeling.

Then how do you get this right?

The first step to getting it right is to see how he/she behaves with all the people around them and not only you. Do look for opportunities for crisis or tough situations. For example, you went on a drive, and the car broke down. The spontaneous reaction and natural behavior will come out as the first set of responses. These are your chances to assess how he/she reacts to crisis and/or criticism, which tells a lot about the individual. Be conscious to make an honest opinion without getting influenced.

Next, gauge if the thoughts are alike and opinions are relatively similar. Discuss and see how the responses are in terms of respecting your opinion and plans about life. If you have certain expectations about life and you have already made some decisions in your mind in terms of family, kids, financials etc., be honest about it. It is better to get it right than get into something and suffer later. Be aware that suffering impacts the family group and not you alone.

Remember it is a life of partnership and both parties must acknowledge being reasonable in expectations giving room for compromises while accepting certain decisions as part of the give and take in the relationship. See if that mutual understanding is there. Do not be busy building your romantic relationship during this time. Whether the person is the right match for life in terms of understanding is more, and you have all the rest of your life for the romance to build up. Keep in mind, it is not an overnight thing. The natural sense of belonging gets built over time when the other person makes you feel that way.

Now, once you decide to get committed into the relationship, always remember that it is this relationship that is going to come with you until the end of your life. So, make an effort to make it work since others, including your kids will eventually move-on and it is this life partner of yours who is going to be with you through your old age. He/she is going to share your burdens and your joy. 

Once in the relationship, to make this partner your source of joy or stress is up to you. If you will treat him/her to offload your stressful day assuming that the role is meant for that, sorry, you are wrong. All the elements/people that caused your stress are not the ones who are going to travel the long journey of life. It is your life partner who will be doing that provided you make the travel easy. If you will offload your rough day showing anger and frustration at him/her, you will have the reflection of it coming back to you at the same time or the accumulation of it coming back at hitting at you at some time. Agreed, that one can argue home is the only place that he/she can be original and can offload their stress. As a life partner, the expectation is to have an understanding of the same and not become another source of stress. Yes, it is a fair expectation, and you do  have to have your moments of offloading, but, keep in mind that your partner may also be in the same state of mind. The outcome would be, either you made your partner cry, or you both had an exchange of argument. Also, what did you do after your offload moments are over? Here the critical question is, did you hold on to this offload moments for too long or you made an effort to make up for the happenings. Did you also add a touch of romance to make the person feel special. Basically you can say you love your husband/wife so deeply, but what is important is whether your spouse felt loved. Saying or you believing does not mean that your partner is feeling the same about you. Do often ask your partner how to improve the relationship and make a conscious effort. Do not have ego nor any reservations.Try to overcome both and develop understanding and intimacy.

Now how to gauge and nurture valuable relationship?

The mind is the most complex part of we human since it manages our thoughts. Have you ever felt or thought of things that you do not want to say aloud because you feel disturbed/ angered/dumb/ ashamed. Are there thoughts that you even refrain your mind from thinking, simply because it causes so much discomfort. Has it occurred that, when others raise a subject, or something reminds you of it, your emotions flood to you in terms of sadness or anger and frustrates you? Will you be comfortable sharing such an experience of yours without apprehensions to your life partner? Can you open up your heart and pour it out? If your answers are yes, then its a cherished relationship working at its best.

You are blessed to have your mirror image in that other person and never let go of this relationship for your lifetime. Value it and give time and effort to nurture it because you will eventually get old and will have so much more time at your disposal. You need your fully understanding life partner more and more as you reach that zone.

I conclude by saying, conventional weddings can also work, and marriages are made in heaven if you make it paradise. Have a happy life by cherishing your relationship since you live this life once and every past moment is just a memory and it is upto you to make it pleasant for yourself and the ones around you.

Handling Stress - Is it better said than done?

This blog I dedicate to all the stress in this world. I am putting it this way because, it is a stressed world and the magnitude of stress handled is the unsaid performance indicator, both in the corporate world and in day-to-day life and relationships. Think deep and delve into my last sentence again, and this time more consciously. Does it make you realise how true and get a sense of how real it is in your life? If you still didn't get it, let me explain more. In the corporate world, the busier you are, you are considered important and indispensable. I do not want to get into the controversies of resources who fake a busy schedule and do not deliver results. These, I call the 'Blamers'. They look busy, talk a lot in self-defense and are very generous to blame everything other than themselves. Leaving the exceptions out, I do want to include the ones who I call the 'Do-ers', personified as the ones who are so busy delivering work but differ from the ones I would call the 'Go-getters' who are busy and getting it all done. The difference between the two is simply, the Go-getters manage the Do-ers and are most often regarded high-performers. Whether you are a Do-er or a Go-getter, your life is defined by a busy schedule in which your to-do list never comes to an end on the same day. While you are making conversions, there are often times when you are physically present while your mind is tasking the next set of things to be done and is rehearsing the day ahead by every minute and hour. 

The busier you get and the multitude of things you handle coupled with your personal responsibilities and commitments that clash in and out of your schedule causes, 'Stress'. How you are as a person defines how well you have coped with stress."  - This statement is true and you can test it on yourself or by thinking about an individual who best fits the descriptions below:

• you have forgotten to pay your bills on time at least ones during the month.
• you have missed more than one important family event/gathering/commitment during the month.
• your close circle of family or friend often comment that you are never available for them.
• at work in a month, you miss deadlines at least ones or in-order to meet the deadline you have compromised something very important to you. Could be your birthday, anniversary, medical appointment, etc.,
• you lose your temper often and/or show it by irrational behaviors at least ones in a day. Like, shouting unreasonably at someone who works under you; driving fast to catch-up on time; constantly on phone while driving and trying to justify that you are working smart by having wireless/hands-free calls; 
• you start to have health issues, maybe hypertension/insomnia, etc.,
• your sleep and eating pattern is disturbed. You either sleep less or more; your eating pattern is more finger/junk food.
• you addicted to at least one thing, say smoking/coffee/soda.

If you meet all or half the above, you will soon reach a point when you will feel completely burnt out. Mostly, it is at this breach point that you think of change. A change to food or exercise or bigger changes in terms of changing a job or relationship. Then, you again get back in the race of getting stressed until you reach the next breach point. An endless vicious cycle that keeps repeating itself until you retire one day or health forces you to retire. 

But if this the cycle that most human follow and the expectation is set for it be normal to be stressed why do we complain or reach breech points. A routine lifestyle should ideally get us used to it, why do we struggle with it?  Why do we keep hearing, stress management, and how stress has harmful effects on the human body and ways to handle it?.  why do we want to handle stress in a special way?

Most persons fitting the above descriptions were closed to burn out state and I often heard them say, 'to handle stress is better said than done'.

Now comes my view on this. Do not try to handle stress. You will never succeed. What I believe is in embracing it. Change your perception to it. You are not under stress but you are just genuinely busy simply trying to do at least 48-hour work in 8 - 24 hours. The way you set your bar defines your capacity and limitations to being a Do-er/ Go-getter. To cope with your busy schedule you need to have an acutely sharp brain that processes, delegates and carves out the quick ways to achieve your end result in less time. To be able to make more time, amend your lifestyle if needed. What you will not compromise is getting a personal time to yourself. At least an hour in a weekday even if it is short breaks that make up an hour of your awake time and a few hours over weekends. This personal time you use wisely since its the most precious. Do what you like to do in your personal time, being happy gives a sense of self-satisfaction that boosts your energy. But this solves only half the problem. The main problem is on how your mind perceives about what you are doing. If your mind perceives that you are depressed, dis-satisfied, humiliated or simply unhappy, this is the matter of concern to be addressed by you. This thought is what causes stress. Then everything that you do seems/ gets difficult. During such times, be bold enough to accept it and listen to your intuitions tell you as the right thing to do. Be bold enough to do what your mind is telling you as the right thing to do. You may not always get your expected outcomes. But, have you been always right otherwise. Following your voice will build an energy force in you to get better at things. So, make sure to listen to yourself. There is a widely stressed world that gets you busy, directs you to dance to its tunes and the best way to conquer is with your own mind. Listen to yourself.